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He doesn't feel confident about his body. This whole situation sucks for all of us. Just has zero desire. After the Revenge cheat she had the nerve to If the sex is all about you, its no surprise that your partner may not want to indulge in it. Frankly, Im ready for a change of scene because this is like living with someone who it seems might be happier living off by himself. Dang! I appreciate that No outside agency or individual can fix anything yet they get their fix of adulation with tired Info. If youre living with a gut feeling that your wife avoids intimacy on purpose, it may be time to take matters into your hand to rejuvenate your relationship. If that is in fact part of the problem, then there nothing that I can do or hope to do. Sex is over. We have had little to no connection with them since. Divorce is not an option, But when the second son moves out to college there is an option I take his bedroom AND there is an option I go on an extended car road trip for a few months. Join as many groups as you can, and leave him at home. Not only are you missing out on some fun in the bedroom, but most importantly, youre missing that intimate connection it creates with your wife. so that leaves to so totally frustrated angry resentful and I hate to say it but it is beginning to I think turn to I hate her. That lie: its not important, only if you want it. Sharing your desires is essential, as is listening to her needs. Wish she would just say so. When I say intimacy, I do not mean just intercourse. She may well become that cat lady a previous poster described. And that's perfectly fine! well, about a year ago she took it upon herself to say no more sex. For fucks sake man. Took my wife to Paris, on our 25th wedding anniversary and rented the most romantic flat next to the Eiffel Tower. So much hurt involved, and guilt. Or should I just accept her celibacy and masturbate when I need release? Weve been married for six years now and its been an abusive relationship in all types of way. (You might want to share with her an excellent resource about responsive desire, Emily Nagoskis book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life.). 9. I was going to say you lucky lucky bastard., Maybe let her pick the sex partner and she may want to be a side participant in it, could always ask : ), Its been13 years no sex for me.lbeen married42 years..her phone and internet are more important than me. I never cared about sex when I was 35 or now at 76! I said I am a human male and I have basic needs. 1. I tried internet sex and while interesting it is not enough. 19. Hes no longer a sexy looking man, doesnt care about trying to make himself better, I still fight to try to look really good, no matter how I feel. Regardless of the reason your wife has pulled away from you, you must confront the situation. When your partner wont touch you, there could be infidelity involved, 6. Is your husband on HRT as well? A woman may lose interest in sex, even in a happy marriage, if the sex does not bring her sexual pleasure. I cant have sex do to pain and believe me I truly hat it. The Bible says to not deny one another because it leads to stumbling. Then if you still have to, decide. Please help. What played in husband mind is that the wife do not care, do not want to have relationship, intimacy etc. 90% of my enjoyment of sex is seeing her turned on an having a rip roaring time. People might think Im lonely but Im not, I work alone and I get all the right answers talking to my self. My avocation has been fitness for over 50 years and I love the field. Frustrated. Same issue here. So around our house it is whispered, why is he mad? My Wife Loves Me But Doesn't Desire Me - What Should I Do? - Marriage Our marriage still isnt consummated, and this grieves me as I yearn to be loved in this way. Should be a Clause in sickness and health and sex also! My wife and me have been married 9 1/2 years and entered a phas of no sex about 6 months ago. But its not worth destroying something that you took years to build. Take stock of all the good things you still have in your relationship that you might not find again. Thats not going to make you happy in the long run!!! She told me years ago that weve had all the kids were going to have, whats the point?. Then we got married and had kids (not that I regret) but 20 years of pulling teeth juts to get touched or even desired really hurts. But it isnt. Some persons who are older like us end up this way. I work full time, do personal training after that, and run a business. Im just not happy & want much more for in life. Without going into details - I am 100% certain that it was satisfying for both of us. 4 Things to Teach Your Kids to Stand Up For, 5 Things Teens Need But Wont Ever Ask For, 4 Things You Can Do When Youre Not in the Mood, 20 Great Conversation Starters for Great Marriages. I am NEVER ENOUGH so why even bother? Many men and most women are connected through sexual intimacy. Im pretty much in the same boat. He just isnt interested and blames it on his diabetes. I am afraid Buck is correct. Sure she was sore & tired particularly in the beginning, but she didnt make it a habit to say no because she knew my hand was nothing like her body that I craved. One of the scariest reasons your wife wont have sex with you may be that she has feelings or is being intimate with someone else. In addition, he doesnt suffer from ED or any other similar issue, but he seems to feel that sex is for procreation and once that part of life is over (as it surely now is), so is sex! When someone Denys you something so fundamentally important, it is Not Cheating to Maybe there are areas of your marriage to be worked on, maybe a little couples' therapy will make a big difference, or maybe it's time to consider whether this marriage is really worth holding on to. . In fact, I recently read that most sexless marriages are due to lack of desire in the men. Id been wearing blinders believing shed never cheat. I do not understand why they got married in the first place!!! I dont even bother to talk to her (all she does is whine and complain). Unfortunately the one thing that was supposed to save civilization was the internet. You're focusing too much on just the sexual aspect of . We now live in a society that it is selfish or disrespectful for a man to insist or ask for sex. Her duty? 3. Men dont want to force their wives into sex, nor do they want to beg for it. Is there any way I can help alleviate some of the stress she is feeling? Our mouths and fingers still work! It wasnt until I got married at age 40 that I realized that my problem probably wasnt sexual boredom but something else. The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. Its maddening! BIG mistake. Thank you, Harry. Well, its clearly only getting worse. Got lost there. our sense of what is expected . While its true that marriage isnt for everyone, it certainly isnt worthless. I am in your same position but from the other side I am a 64 year old healthy, active man. Four in five couples dealt with a desire discrepancy1 in the past month, according to one 2015 study. How I wish the girls would ask ME to dance at school dances. Recently she will get naked and say I just want you to cum. A little flirting, some sex, and shed start pushing for a ring. Tried Testosterone replacement but it made me very sick and ended up in the emergency room with complications . love him & my family and weve been married for 34 years & 5 years before that. In this case, you can turn the tide for your sex life by simply becoming more involved in running the household and making your wife feel special by going the extra mile toreduce her burden. My wife is 54 and started menopause at 46. It is incumbent on each of us, male and/or female to strive for the new, the invigoration, the secure, the calm, the exciting, the passionate . I really miss the intimacy we used to have when we were sexual. She told me a few years ago that she felt sorry for me because of her lack of sexual desire. Feel like I have him a lifetime!!! Remember what you felt, believed, and why. Be a fuckin man. What shallow view of the problem. Just do it to make her feel good. Its just torturing me for no reason. Not only may this put her off being intimate, but you may be setting yourself and your wife up for a stressful encounter. Rejection soon turns into resentment. Tell her that you love her. Take care of yourself. Having said that, I understand your frustration too. But did you notice that men have to make the first move? Hopefully, you now know just what to work on, with the help of the reasons why your wife never initiates physical contact. I *must* woo my wife, always. We just share our acerage, her in the house and I have a place with my dettached out building. That doesnt mean you should not try, but know when trying is of no use. To you guys in a sexless marriage for years, and she wont even talk to you about it? And Marley, I deeply sorry for your situation. He masterbates quite often and I have come home to find him watching porn on the couch and masterbating. This can be a disheartening situation to cope with. We were together for 14 years. There is nothing sexier than seeing your man crazy! That means you could wait forever for your wife to just want sex. Or when it doesnt really get hard, does the throbbing stop also in men? She is a poor communicator and no matter how much I ask she gives me the silent treatment and thinks its OK. Thats abusive and hurtful too. For many men, wooing and life after wooing are two vastly different realities. What steps can I take to help my wife get in the mood? What we have Ive worked very hard to achieve. ( I told him about the job opening). yeah, in the case of some women, there may be some other things going on w/ the bodywho knows. I do not wish this upon anyone!!! I have the sex drive I had when I was 20, and I feel like me again. Just arent attracted to him anymore? There is some offensiveness directed towards men but I can benefit from your observations. And feel that what ls what the real problem ls ,should l just exsept this he said lt to uncomfortable to have sex due to his prostate he never touches me l own the house but now he says he wants to put lt ln a trust ,as lf l die he gets lt and visa versa can u help me ,he hates talking about lt but made lt clear lt was not me but his prostate he ls also on. I refuse to live out my life not feeling special. If you would like to express a comment about Senior Planet locations or programs, please contact supporters@seniorplanet.org. Shes just not attracted to me and personally, Im not sure she ever was. Ive tried to convey this, but without success. Resentment in the marriage eventually leads to conflict and arguments. The question is, will we accept that fact, those facts, and act upon them in honorable fashion.? My wife never trys to turn me on or initiate sex. please My husband had 19 affairs. Or if your wife does have a known medical issue, talk to each other about how your sex life might be being affected and ways you can work together to keep your sex life healthy. found that women had more difficulty staying focused during intimacy and lower arousal levels when under stress. I would like to ask her if well ever have a sex life again, but she has a hard time talking about it. Shes the mother of our kids! When having sex she has to do most of the work especially when it takes him 45 minutes to get hard and all she wants to do is go to sleep because tommorow will come before she knows it or if one of the kids wakes up because they couldnt sleep or they are sick. Sounds to me like youve picking your men from the bar. 1. "Anatomically and physiologically, decreasing estrogen and just plain aging cause potential problems for our libido," Hardwick-Smith writes in her book. Ive always had this feeling from the first of our marriage that he felt somewhat uncomfortable having sex but that it was permissible if we were trying to procreate, but never just for fun or enjoyment. We must have sex or blow up, not a choice. My wife says shes convinced that my strong sex drive saved our marriage that got us through our in-laws, the deaths of 2 of our children, accidents, emergencies, seriou surgeries, any one of which could have destroyed us. I mean the guy has a woman more than willing to get playful and see what happens and he uses porn? He is impotent due to hydrocele and he plans to have surgery until hes 65. I am dry (we tried lubricant) and hes small (always been, but seems more so in his 60s) and he doesnt get or stay very hard at all. If you have to ask whats so I important about having sex, you must be doing it wrong. Im in my 50s and after years without feeling that hardness inside me anymore, I often find myself thinking about the next 30 years without. Now its more about independence- Im tired of living in my spouses value system . But we are kidding ourselves if we somehow justify a womans position requiring fidelity in a sexless marriage. Research shows that sexual communication was. Foreplay doesnt start in the bedroom, foreplay is EVERY day regardless if sex is on the table or not. Its not all about sex its about intimacy, and that is missing. Or when she does get in the mood again 45 minutes to get hard and going and he is done like always within a minute and he rolls over and goes to sleep. If you are not. I heard my uncles talk about sex like it was something from their youth that has long gone. A woman figures that out, shell be HAPPILY married! I actually considered early in my marriage that my husband might lean toward being gay and thats why he was somewhat uncomfortable having sex with me. I say bullshit to every man and women experiencing no sex in a relationship if they want it with their partner. Our finances have never been merged and the only money between us has been my initial investment in her business. A lack of time and attention will naturally cause distance to creep into the marriage, which will take its toll on your sex life too. 2. I was in bed for a week with complications and ended up in the ER and the doctor said given my reactions my risk for stroke is 25% higher using Testosterone but I still get told I need to think of her and give it another try. Yes, its so hurtful and completely discouraging. She will sit in bed on her phone though. Denied the enjoyment, should they be expected to put the same effort into the preparation? So as partners age, sometimes we have to stop asking for what is too painful for them to give. Q: My wife, late 40s, has been experiencing early menopause for a couple of years. And when that happens, what used to turn you on about your wife wont turn you on anymore. Having children may be one reason intimacy has decreased in your marriage, but it is not the only reason. Unfortunately, Buck Necked is correct. Ive read about vaginal atrophy and would guess she has it. And one factor is being a caregiver. Nothing is out of bounds! That's part of it, but in long-term relationships, sex is also the fastest route for a man to feel close and connected to his wife. Same exact situation here its a living hell! She would be lost. Engage in thought-provoking discussions, make new friends, and share resources all on a safe and ad-free platform. Also, expand your definition of sex. Ive slept in my own bedroom for 43 of those years. She consulted with her doctor who recommended hormone treatment and her research on cancer had her rejecting that avenue. Share your feelings with your wife openly, honestly, and vulnerably without expecting it to lead to something physical. I say I know exactly what youre taking about because my wife has had four back surgeries and we have sex RARELY! Lack of interest does not equate to lack of love. It may also be helpful for her to speak with her doctor to see if there are other treatment options that might help. Women wont mention it because the rejection we feel each time he puts us off, says no or does not respond to our sexual advances chips away at our self confidence and our souls as being sexually vibrant women even in our late sixties. We were easy pickings since that biological clock was ticking louder and she still hadnt landed Chad. Even with all the gadgets and hired help, modern women have a lot on their plate. I cannot take any form of estrogen and I literally have lost all desire. Or some reasons could be the female body experiencing pain, limitations, hormonal imbalances, etc. he is very persistent. Many marriages are suffering in this area, and even the strongest and most supportive husbands feel isolated from their wives. Im too tired. So Mike, I dont know what to say. I want that back in my life as well! But I still love her and will be heartbroken when that day comes. I have been married for 40 years this coming July. But it also means were in a status quo that just isnt satisfying. When a woman notices that you have an affinity for what she loves, she gets curious, thereby increasing her desire for you. Each time she claims to like having sex, but is just tired! how do i tell him that in this life, especially for them both, there is more to life than just sex. I have what may be slight ED..but offered to stimulate and play at sex often..there are some really fun marital Praying for these husbands. As someone who has now gone over 6 years without any contact more intimate than a hug I can tell you it is a relationship killer. She is a vegetarian and a purist in many ways, rejecting hormone therapy because of the published risks of breast cancer associated with hormone therapy, though small, my doctor stated. I will do what makes me happy because obviously no one else will. Behind heart broken!!! Please go find someone else to enjoy sex with if you can. Except she doesnt like hugging or cuddling either. Would you prefer I see prostitutes or have a girlfriend on the side to take care of my needs? If the husband happens to be insensitive, it ruins the relationship. The man must rule by demanding to get what he wants. When I was single I would simply break off a relationship when the sexual problems would start. Its a bummer most times. I only basically feel good enough to have pretty good days. On the other hand, another reason your wife is never in the mood may be related to menopause.